Friday, April 22, 2005

I was Wrong About Josef Ratzinger

OK, I was wrong about the new Pope.

I was glad at last to see pictures of Josef Ratzinger, whose name in English is Joe Mousezapper. He is actually a nice-looking man with a big smile, shy, generous, gracious. All these years I thought he was a little old man with a hook nose and a pointed chin who lived in the bowels of the Vatican (like the Phantom of the Opera), who never came out except on dark, moonless nights. From these dark recesses with bats flying around he sent missives of condemnation written with poison around the world laying bare the heresies of people who said such nasty things as:

that condoms were ethical to prevent unwanted kids and AIDS,

that the Pill gave women effective, responsible control over the number of children they had and was morally OK,

that married men, like the Apostle Peter, could be good priests,

that women could dispense the body and blood as well as men,

that gay people were not morally degenerate perverts but real nice people just like everybody else whose love was valid and whose erotic deeds are part of the goodness of creation,

that in Latin America it was OK to learn from Marx and that sometimes it might be a good thing to remove by force as a last resort cruel dictators who killed people without mercy in order to get justice for the poor and democracy for all, i. e., those despicable liberation theologians.

Well, I was wrong.

He is really a nice man who from now on from his comfy office in the Vatican will send missives of condemnation wrapped in pastoral velvet dipped in papal honey around the world laying bare the heresies of people who say such nasty things as the aforementioned.

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