Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Warning: New Peril-- a Spoof

A new menace threatens us -- the invention of new technologies that tempt people to use more gasoline.

Example 1: The Prius gets great mileage, the champ. A whole bunch of people are experimenting to see just how many miles they can squeeze out of a gallon of gas. They have developed elaborate procedures and written instruction manuals with their own jargon. Why, just recently four men from West Virginia went on a 600 mile trip, not because they needed to get somewhere but because they were all experts at pushing the limits of the Prius to get the best possible mileage and wanted to set a new record. Wasting gas on a trip to nowhere.

2. Alas, some close relatives of mine just purchased a new Honda Accord with all the gizmos and gadgets imaginable, including a state of the art GPS. They projected a destination-- somewhere they didn't need to go -- and set out to test the wisdom of the device, an object that you can talk to and interact with. On the way, they decided they didn't really want to go that far and made turns to head back home. GPS said, "Try to make a U turn!" When they persisted, it said, "Well, OK, I am recalculating."

Two trips to nowhere using gas just to play with big boy toys. Suppose this catches on? Our dependence on foreign oil will explode. We must put a stop to it now before it spreads..

PS My daughter points out that in the examples given, the perpetrators were men. What can we learn from this?

The Mystery at the Farmhouse: A Short Story

Scene: The 1880's, a small farmhouse. Emily is talking to Vince on the porch. The back of Emily's hand rests on her forehead, her fingers gently curling, she looks slightly toward the sky . . . .

E: Vince, O Vince, you can't leave me now, my Darling!
V: But Emily . . .
E: Vince, you can't leave me now, not when Dr. Jessup told me this very morning I am going to have a baby, your baby, Vince, my baby ....
V: But Emily, I have to, I must . . .
E: O Vince, you can't, not when that mean old man from the bank is coming out today to repossess the house because my sick, aging Mother can't pay the mortgage . . .
V: That mean old man, Emily, is my Father, and I drew up the foreclosure papers. We are just doing our jobs.
E:Vince, you didn't. You couldn't, but you did, didn't you?. O, you awful cad, you rotten scoundrel! I am so angry. I am so depressed, so angry, so depressed. I HATE you! I HATE myself. Don't you dare move one step til I get back.

Emily runs in the house and presently comes back with a pistol in her hand.

E: I hate you so much I could kill you. I hate me so much I could kill myself. Kill me, kill you! You, me, me you! Which? Both? Neither?

BANG. . . BANG. . .